Loss of a Child

If you are a parent who has lost a child, you probably feel like you have lost a part of yourself. Not only have you lost one of your most treasured loved ones, but you have also lost your identity as a parent. The world probably feels like it doesn’t make sense anymore; parents are simply not meant to outlive their children. The devastation is profound, all-encompassing and may never fully heal. Still, there is hope. Grieving parents often find comfort from one another, through in-person or online support groups, and by finding unique and meaningful ways to connect with their children and sustain their identity as parents.

You may feel…

  • As if the pain will last forever
  • Anger and bitterness toward a world that would take your child away
  • Overwhelming guilt, as if you should have done something more to protect your child
  • As if the world has been turned upside down. Children are not supposed to die before their parents.
  • Distanced from your spouse or partner
  • Regret and self-blame about many aspects of your parenting, including those unrelated to the loss
  • Increasingly protective of other loved ones – your surviving children, your spouse, your siblings
  • Intense emotional reactions to even the smallest of triggers or reminders of your child
  • Like you are living in two separate worlds – one where you are grieving the loss of your child, and one where you must go about the normal business of living, caring for other families members and fulfilling your responsibilities

What you can do…

  • Find a linking object or place that makes you feel connected to your child – perhaps a piece of clothing she often wore, or a tree he liked to climb. Allow yourself to make physical contact with your linking object as much as needed in the beginning.
  • Establish your own unique rituals to memorialize your child
  • Count on and confide in friends and family members who are able to listen, be present with you, and walk with you without criticism or pressure
  • Allow yourself to feel angry, helpless and disoriented
  • Look into joining a support group for bereaved parents
  • Volunteer for an organization that provides support to bereaved parents
  • Reassure yourself that you were – and still are – a loving parent
  • When you are ready, give yourself permission to feel joy again and continue on with your life, knowing that it does not mean you love your child any less
  • Release yourself from guilt and fear when the time is right