About Grief

Secondary Loss

Secondary losses are those that occur as a result of a primary loss or death. These can include changes in roles or identity (such as no longer being a “parent” after the death of an only child), the loss of financial stability, future plans or dreams, or the renewed sense of loss that arises around milestones and anniversaries. Secondary losses may also be concrete, such as losing a home, job, or social connections. These losses are real and meaningful and can surface unexpectedly, often bringing their own emotional impact.

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief occurs when a loss is not openly acknowledged, socially supported, or seen as “legitimate” by others. This may include the death of an ex-partner, a miscarriage, the loss of a pet, or grief connected to relationships or experiences others may minimize or overlook. When grief is not recognized, people may feel isolated or unsure whether they are “allowed” to grieve—yet these losses matter and deserve care and support.

Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous loss refers to a loss that lacks clear closure or resolution. This may occur when someone is physically present but psychologically changed, such as with dementia, mental illness, or addiction, or when someone is physically absent but psychologically present, as in cases of deportation, incarceration, or sudden separation. Because there is no clear ending, ambiguous loss can be especially confusing and painful, often complicating the grieving process.

Immediately after the death of a loved one, it’s common to feel overwhelmed. Many of the thoughts, feelings, and reactions you may experience are a normal part of grief. At times, grief can feel unmanageable or endless, but grief also serves an important purpose.

Grief helps us gradually take in the reality of the loss and acknowledge the person who has died. Early on, this process may include shock, numbness, or denial. Over time, many people begin—at their own pace and in their own way—to make sense of the loss and adjust to life without their loved one. For some, this includes finding ways to carry the person forward through memory, meaning, or ritual, and establishing a new sense of “normal.”

As you move through life, grief may resurface at different times. Anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, weddings, or other milestones can bring renewed feelings of sadness or longing. Grief may also arise unexpectedly through memories or reminders of your loved one.

Ways to Take Care of Yourself

While grief has its own timeline, some practices may help support healing:

• Express your feelings in ways that feel right to you—through crying, talking, writing, or creative outlets
• Spend time with people who offer patience, understanding, and support
• Clarify what you need, such as “I don’t want to talk right now but would like company” or “I like when you ask about my loved one who died, it actually helps me”
• Reflect on memories by looking at photos or sharing stories
• Care for your body by resting, eating regularly, staying active, and attending to medical needs
• Find moments of rest or comfort through music, quiet time, or gentle distraction
• Connect to spirituality if that aligns with you, which could include religious communities, being in nature, or other practices that resonate
• Try new activities or hobbies when you’re ready
• Honor your loved one in meaningful ways, such as creating a ritual, planting a tree, or giving back to the community

It’s important to give yourself the time you need to grieve. For many people, the first year can be especially difficult as they experience holidays and milestones for the first time without their loved one. Sometimes grief becomes more complicated, and finding a new balance feels hard to do alone.

When to Seek Help

Many reactions to loss such as disbelief, numbness, intense sadness, or loss in motivation are common and not cause for concern. Grief looks different for everyone, and allowing yourself to experience it without forcing a particular response can support healthy coping and resilience.

However, it may be time to seek professional support if you experience symptoms that feel overwhelming, persistent, or interfere with daily life. This may include:

• Thoughts of harming yourself or others
• Intrusive or disturbing thoughts related to the death
• Fear of leaving home or difficulty engaging in daily activities
• Feelings that persist or intensify over time rather than easing
• Difficulty returning to work or school
• Frequent anger, confusion, or emotional overwhelm
• Struggles in close relationships
• Feeling alone in your grief or unsure how to support grieving children or teens

The Wendt Center’s counseling staff is uniquely trained to support people in DC, Maryland, and Virginia who are impacted by grief and loss.

If you are feeling unable to talk with your child about death, find someone you trust to do so.

Your child may have questions for you about what happened, what it means and what will happen to them. Try to reassure and answer each question as it is asked.

Explain death in basic terms. Be honest.

Remember a child’s attention span is short. He or she may be crying one moment and then running outside and playing the next. It is normal for children to play even when they have difficult emotions.

Like adults, children grieve differently. They often do not have the words to explain their feelings. Your child’s response to this death may depend upon their age. What small children need may be different than what an adolescent needs. But, all children need to be included, as much as they desire, in the family’s activities during the memorial or funeral services.

When talking to a young child we encourage you to explain death as honestly as possible to avoid future confusion and pain. Here are some ideas:

• Died means the person is not alive anymore. Their body has stopped working.
• Died means they cannot talk, breathe, walk, move, eat or do any of the things that they could when they were alive.
• Discuss your own beliefs and spirituality with the child. You can also share your beliefs in an afterlife — if you believe in one.
• Remembering is important for children. It may be helpful to share memories and talk about the person who died.

Finding Help and Resources to Cope in the Aftermath of a Tragedy

As an affiliate member of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, the Wendt Center accesses additional information and resources and welcomes further inquiries.
Talking to children about the shooting
Helping young children heal after a shooting
Parents guidelines for helping teens after an attack
Psychological Information Sheets

Please click here for additional resources at the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

When someone you care about is grieving, you might feel helpless and sad that you cannot take away his or her pain. It is normal to want to try to help while also feeling uncertain about what is okay or not okay to say and do. Here are some ways you can help:

• Listen to the person when he or she wants to talk and let them know you are there to hear whatever feelings, memories, fears, or concerns come up.
• It may feel like the person’s grief is taking a long time to heal, but it is important to allow that person to talk about their loved one as frequently as they need to. It could take a while for the person to begin to recover from the loss.
• You will probably wish there is something you can say to make the person feel better, but try to remember that it is important for them to feel whatever emotions come up, including unpleasant ones, and don’t try to say things just to fill the silence.
• Avoid saying things like: “They are in a better place now” “They are with God.” “It was for the best” “You can always remarry/have another child” “At least they did not suffer” or “You’ll get over it in time.”
• Do reference the person who has died by name and express your condolences. Let the person know you are there to listen and sit with their pain and discomfort.
• Rather than asking the person if there is anything you can do, think of specific things you can do that will be helpful, such as laundry, watching the kids for a while, walking the dogs, cooking dinner, or running errands.
• Encourage the person to seek professional help if it doesn’t seem that the grief is slowly easing over time (remembering that it is a long process) or if the person is continuing to struggle with day-to-day life or feel deeply isolated.

Overall, keep in mind that it is not your responsibility to take away your loved one’s pain or grief. It is important that they do the work on their own and find meaning in the loss in their own time and way.

Many people who lose a partner describe the experience as losing a part of themselves. Even though the person is gone, their presence may still feel close—through memories, sensations, or a deep sense of connection. When you’ve built a life together, this loss can feel like losing both what you shared and what you imagined for the future. It’s also common to feel unsettled or guilty about unresolved challenges in the relationship.

You may experience:

• Deep loneliness and fear of being alone
• Sensations of seeing, hearing, or feeling your partner
• A sudden loss of safety or stability
• Grief not only for your partner, but for your closest companion or friend
• Distress about unresolved relationship issues
• A sense of losing both your past and your future
• Discomfort in social settings with couples
• Mixed feelings about the idea of moving forward, including guilt or disloyalty

Ways to support yourself:

• Allow yourself to express sadness, rather than hiding it to protect others
• Accept practical help from family and friends (help with errands, meal prep, walking dogs, etc.)
• Talk about your partner and share memories
• Delay major life decisions when possible
• Connect with others who have experienced the loss of a partner
• Allow traditions to evolve in ways that honor your partner and your changing family
• When you feel ready, explore new activities, relationships, or sources of meaning

The death of a child is a profoundly traumatic loss. For many parents (and anyone in a close caregiving role), it can feel as though a part of themselves, or all of themselves, has been torn away. You may feel the loss of your sense of safety, identity, and meaning. The world may no longer feel recognizable—parents are not meant to outlive their children—and the devastation can be all-encompassing.

This kind of grief often does not “resolve” in familiar ways. While the pain may never disappear, many bereaved parents find that support, connection with others who have shared experience, and meaningful ways of maintaining a bond with their child can offer moments of steadiness and hope. You will always be your child’s parent, even as you learn how to carry the profound grief forward.

You may experience:

• A belief that the pain will never end
• Intense anger or bitterness about the loss
• Overwhelming guilt or self-blame
• Intrusive images, nightmares, or intense anxiety
• A sense that the world has been turned upside down
• Emotional distance from a spouse or partner
• Heightened protectiveness toward other loved ones
• Strong reactions to reminders or unexpected triggers
• The feeling of living in two worlds—one shaped by grief, and one that requires you to continue daily life

Ways to support yourself:

• Stay connected to your child through meaningful objects, places, or rituals
• Create personal ways to honor and remember your child
• Lean on people who can listen without trying to fix or rush your grief
• Allow space for anger, helplessness, and disorientation
• Consider connecting with other bereaved parents through support groups or communities
• Remind yourself that you were—and remain—a loving parent
• When and if you are ready, allow moments of joy without guilt, knowing they do not diminish your love and deep missing

The murder of a loved one is a sudden  and deeply traumatic loss. Survivors often experience intense grief alongside symptoms of trauma, including shock, anger, guilt, and a shaken sense of safety and trust in the world. These reactions may be further complicated by interactions with the criminal justice system, the media, and even friends or family.

You may experience:

• Difficulty understanding or believing what happened
• Intense anger toward the perpetrator(s) or others
• Guilt or self-blame, feeling as if you could have protected your loved one
• Intrusive images, nightmares, or flashbacks of the homicide
• Fear for your own safety or the safety of others
• Heightened protectiveness over family and friends
• Distrust of others or the world around you
• Helplessness or a loss of control over your surroundings
• Feelings of isolation, blame, or stigmatization from authorities, the media, or your community
• Anger or blame directed at many people, including yourself, family, law enforcement, or spiritual figures

Ways to support yourself:

• Set boundaries with law enforcement, media, and even friends or family if their attention or requests becomes overwhelming
• Seek professional help to address trauma-related reactions such as flashbacks, fear, or avoidance, and to rebuild a sense of safety
• Stay connected with supportive friends and family, allowing mutual support
• Create rituals—religious or non-religious—to safely honor and say goodbye to your loved one
• Maintain structure in your daily life, including sleep, meals, and exercise, to regain a sense of control
• Write about your thoughts and feelings through journaling, letters, or creative expression
• Find safe ways to release anger, such as through counseling or supportive networks
• Connect with others who understand your experience, through specialized support groups or online communities
• Grieve at your own pace, in your own way; reactions and timelines vary for every survivor

The loss of a loved one to suicide is a traumatizing experience that can leave survivors with a complex mix of emotions, including shock, disbelief, confusion, anger, guilt, and shame. Many questions may remain unanswered: Why did this happen? Could I have done more? Why did they leave us? Searching for answers can feel frustrating and isolating, and survivors often feel misunderstood or judged by others.

You may experience:

• Feeling that nothing makes sense and struggling to understand the suicide
• Guilt or self-blame, believing you could have prevented it
• Anger at the person who died
• Intrusive images, nightmares, or flashbacks, even if you did not witness the death
• A sense of lost control over your life
• Feeling that your love wasn’t enough
• Shame or a desire to hide the loss from others
• Fear of losing others to suicide
• Conflicted feelings of anger or relief that your loved one is no longer suffering

Ways to support yourself:

• Allow yourself to feel anger, relief, and other emotions without judgment
• Stay connected to supportive friends and family, even when it feels difficult
• Plan meaningful rituals, funerals, or memorials to honor your loved one
• Explore with a mental health professional ways to make sense of the loss
• Connect with others who understand your experience through specialized support groups or online communities for suicide survivors
• Grieve in your own way and at your own pace; each survivor’s journey is unique
• Consider ways to honor your loved one actively, such as advocacy or continuing a cause they cared about

Experiencing the death of a loved one can make any holiday season or special time of year particularly emotional. Since holidays and traditions look different for everyone, it’s important to approach this time in a way that feels right for you.The Wendt Center offers the following suggestions to help you navigate this time with care:

• Give yourself permission to feel. Your emotions may be intense, and it’s okay to experience them fully.
• Communicate your needs. Let family and friends know how much you can handle during this season.
• Adjust traditions. This year may feel different—allow yourself to modify or let go of traditions you shared with your loved one.
• Plan ahead. Knowing what to expect can help reduce stress and give you a sense of control.
• Create new rituals. Consider starting a tradition in honor of your loved one, such as lighting a special candle, collecting meaningful objects, or sharing stories.
• Honor their memory. Offer a toast, share remembrances, or include a symbolic gesture in your celebrations.
• Be gentle with yourself. There is no right or wrong way to experience loss during your holiday seasons.