Traumatic Death

Suicide and Grief
Homicide and Grief

Homicide and Grief

When a loved one is murdered, family and friends often experience symptoms of trauma along with the grieving process. Homicide is so sudden, unanticipated and violent that it often shakes the survivors’ sense of safety, control and trust in the world around them. They feel shocked, angry, and guilty, as if they failed to protect their loved one from harm. These intense emotional reactions are often further complicated by the involvement of the criminal justice system and sometimes the news media. Below you will find a collection of normal, common experiences and emotional reactions for survivors of homicide, as well as some coping strategies you may find helpful on your path to healing.

You may feel…

  • Unable to understand or believe what happened to your loved one
  • Intense rage toward the perpetrator(s)
  • As if you somehow could have – or should have – protected your loved one from harm
  • Haunted by intrusive visual images, nightmares and flashbacks of the murder (even if you did not physically witness it)
  • Afraid of strangers and worried that the perpetrator, or any perpetrator, will strike again
  • Preoccupied with your own personal safety
  • Highly protective of other loved ones
  • Distrustful of others and of the world around you
  • Like the world is a cruel, unfair, and unsafe place
  • Helpless and powerless over your surroundings
  • A desire to avoid people and places that remind you of your loved one or of the homicide
  • Blamed, isolated, exploited and/or stigmatized by law enforcement, health care providers, news media, and your own friends and family
  • Anger and blame in many different directions – toward yourself, other family members, witnesses of the homicide, law enforcement, spiritual leaders, and even God.

What you can do…

  • Visit our How to cope with grief page for general suggestions for the grieving.
  • Set boundaries with law enforcement officials, news media and even friends and family, whose initial interest and involvement may be intense and overwhelming.
  • Address your trauma-related reactions (nightmares, flashbacks, fear, avoiding people and places, among others) and slowly begin to rebuild a sense of safety, most likely with the help of a mental health professional.
  • Stay connected with friends and family. Allow those who are also grieving to support you, just as you support them.
  • Create a ritual, religious or non-religious, in which you can safely say goodbye to your loved one.
  • Regain a sense of control over your life by maintaining basic structure and routine. Try to get enough rest, eat proper meals and exercise regularly.
  • Write down your thoughts and feelings. Keep a journal, write a poem, or write a letter to your loved one.
  • Find a safe way to release your anger, perhaps in grief counseling or with understanding friends and family.
  • Seek out others who can relate to how you are feeling, through a support group, therapy group or online community, aimed specifically for those coming with the homicide death of a loved one.
  • Grieve in your own way, at your own pace. Not all those affected by homicide are the same or react in the same way.
  • Consider active ways to remember and honor your loved one. Perhaps you would like to become an advocate for other homicide survivors, or engage with your loved one’s favorite charity or cause (e.g., fundraising through a walk or run).